Arguments - We All Have Them
Arguments between spouses are a normal part of any relationship. However, they can be frustrating, stressful and can even strain your relationship. One of the keys to successfully navigating arguments with your spouse is effective communication and learning how to argue with each other.
Early on we argued ALOT. About everything, and often it felt like the same things just presented different ways. My husband could not be “convinced”, he was so sure that he was right that it felt like he was not even listening to my side. Before your view of him is tainted, I was no Angel. I would go days, sometimes an entire week without speaking a single word to him.
We have come along way since then, and the way we did that was learning why we argued the way we did, and how to argue in a way that did not hurt each other. For example, my silent treatment really hurt him because of childhood trauma. On the flip side, the silent treatment was my way of keeping control because of my own childhood trauma. Catching the theme?
Actively learning why you respond to situations the way you do will help you to have healthy arguments. Combine that with the tips below and you won’t be perfect, but you will be better than before.
Learn what makes each other tick, and then don’t use that. It’s important that you to take care to understand each other’s vulnerabilities and be gentle with them.
Listen actively: It's important to listen to your spouse and try to understand their point of view. Don't interrupt them while they're speaking, and ask questions to clarify what they mean.
Within the argument, “pause to process”. It’s okay to sit in silence for a few moments while you absorb what was said and consider how you want to respond.
Use "I" statements: Instead of blaming your spouse for the argument, use "I" statements to express how you feel. For example, say "I feel upset when you do X" instead of "You always do X and it makes me upset.
Take a break if needed: If the argument is getting too heated, take a break and come back to it later. This will give both of you time to cool off and think more clearly. It’s okay to go to bed mad, just don’t go to bed resentful/hateful.
It’s ok to tell them “I love you, but leave me alone right now”. Rejection and stone walling don’t help, but alone time can, especially if that is what you need.
Be honest about what you need. “I need you to hold me right now”. “I need you to go away right now”. “I need you to tell me you love me”. It might not always get the reaction or response you want but your spouse can’t help you if they don’t know how. You can’t identify what is wrong, unless you get to the root.
Don't bring up old arguments or combine arguments. Just like in the rest of life, when you tackle to many issues at once it can be overwhelming. Stick to the argument at hand.
Try to find a solution: Instead of just arguing, try to find a solution that works for both of you. Compromise and negotiate to find a resolution that you both can agree on.
Even with all of these tips, we still argue and sometimes even slip into old habits while doing so. However, with time we have gained a deeper understanding of each other and have a desire to treat each other with compassion first. Instead of using arguments to hurt each other, we now treat arguments as they should be, a way to communicate unhappiness or annoyance so that we can quickly resolve the issue and move on. Remember - your spouse is your teammate, your other half, so treat them well.
P.S - sometimes it’s not an argument but just a really difficult conversation. Stay tuned for how we navigate those.